The morning sunlight streams through my window, casting a soft glow on the room. As I sit here, pen in hand, I am surrounded by the echoes of a bitter fight that transpired last night. The love I hold dear has become entangled in a web of emotions, and anxiety dances like a restless flame within me. In my attempt to pour out my thoughts onto the pages of my diary, I find myself navigating a labyrinth of vulnerability, yearning for solace amidst the chaos.
With a heavy heart, I press play on Spotify, hoping to find solace in the melodies that resonate with my soul. The haunting voice of Rekha Bharadwaj fills the room, her words weaving a tapestry of emotions that mirrors the turmoil within me. The song “Aise Kyun” has become my companion, an empathetic vessel for my unspoken words as the lyrics continue,
"ऐसे क्यूँ कुछ तो लिखती हूँ लिख के मिटाती हूँ मैं रात भर ऐसे क्यूँ बातें खुद की ही खुद से छुपाती हूँ मैं आज कल…"
Writing has always been my refuge, a sanctuary where I could untangle the knots in my mind. Yet today, anxiety wraps its icy fingers around my thoughts, constricting them like a serpent suffocating its prey. I clutch the pen, my hand trembling, trying to coax my thoughts into coherent sentences. It's as if an eerie presence has settled within me, clouding my thoughts and making it impossible to find clarity. My diary seems distant and unapproachable, unable to absorb the jumble of emotions swirling within.
Regret weighs heavily upon my shoulders, an invisible burden that bends my spirit. Each thoughtless word, each hasty utterance, feels like a boulder I carry. The memories of our heated exchange replay in my mind like a broken record, reminding me of my imperfections and the wounds I may have inflicted.
And yet, even amidst the turmoil, there is solace to be found. The person I love, though human, offers understanding, a refuge in times of darkness. Their unwavering support has always felt like coming home, a warm embrace that soothes my soul. But now, I fear I have tested the boundaries of that sanctuary, and the cracks may run deeper than I imagined.
In this vulnerable state, I lay my pen and diary aside, seeking solace in the melodies that resonate with my emotions. Music becomes my diary, as the lyrics of Rekha Bharadwaj's songs speak the words I struggle to express as she continues singing -
“अक्सर तुमसे मिलकर मुझको घर सा लगता है फिर क्यूँ दिल ही दिल में कोई डर सा लगता है बीता जो वाकेया सोचूँ मैं क्यों भला बीती बातों से दिल को दुखाना ज़रूरी है क्या”
Through her haunting voice, I find a temporary respite and a connection to the depths of my own heartache.
Though my diary remains untouched, I find solace in the realization that healing is not solely found in the act of writing. It is a journey of introspection, a gradual process of understanding and forgiveness.
As I traverse this labyrinth of emotions, I embrace the symphony of my heart. The echoes of our argument may still reverberate, but I trust that with time, compassion, and self-reflection, the wounds will heal. And in the end, it is through embracing our vulnerabilities that we discover the strength to mend what has been broken and find solace in the melodies that resonate within us all.
💡
How do you make peace with yourself when you get anxious?
